Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
