i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
