alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
