I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We left the knife in your bed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
my god I love twenty year old dicks
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
