so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
