I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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