The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
