Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm bleeding and have questions
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
