I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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