I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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