My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
