If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
