I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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