How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
