it's like iHOP with fire
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
