I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
