i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am one with the molecules
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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