You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
