so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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