She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Semen is not good for contacts.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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