Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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