TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
