Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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