When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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