So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
