I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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