I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
