I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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