I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
