I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
