you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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