Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
