I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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