Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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