Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
