apparently the secret to your success is patron
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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