There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
