Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
