I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
