Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
