before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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