can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
