After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
