You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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