When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
