My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone shit on the floor
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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