Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
