I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
