I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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