Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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