well you can't waste a boner
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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