textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
