Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
