I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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