Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
