No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
