new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
