Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
are you so shy because you have an std?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As shirtless as possible
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship