I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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