The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
