i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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