I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
