tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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